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MintyMintamin

Silence, is best left on its own
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Sorry if I seem to have caused a massive panic to everyone...
Things are just... not working on an emotional stand point... or relationship-wise...
The things I've said were intended to be seen by certain people... but as I'm much of a coward to face things head-on, I instead use dA as a sort of... conch, so at least someone will see them.
I have spoken to them (my fiancee and boyfriend... yes... I'm poly...) time and time again about what needs to change, and I feel as if I'm slipping away... more times than I wish had happened... I felt like just walking away and try again, but something always makes me stay... I don't know what. but my fragile heart has taken too much of a beating... and is now nothing more than shards.
I'm constantly upset and depressed... sometimes straight up furious... even at, in hindsight, tedious and tiny things. I don't know how to keep going without losing my head... or blowing up... or breaking down.
I guess this tattered soul of mine... is just tired of being with the realm of the living... but seeing as I'm completely incapable of self-harm due to several factors, I can only wait til someone else takes my life...
Seeing as Trump will be the new president... I can see that happening very soon this year, but I will try to live life to the fullest. So don't worry if I've given up on life... I haven't... not yet anyways, but I'm getting there.
This haggard body still has some life in it, even if my heart is not in it.

While it seems Trump is getting his crap together... he still spells bad news for every minority in the United States... due to the people who follow and support him... He is not the real evil America has... it's the philosophy others believe he wants... remove the muslims, deport the "illegal" immigrants... basically everyone who is Hispanic, even if they're legal... destroy entire cultures middle-eastern, hispanic, asian have placed into this country. This country is called the Land of the Free... yet it's only an idea that never has bear fruition...
The LGBT+, BDSM, the Therians... no one is safe being themselves anymore... I mean... we never really were... but now the Salem Witch Trials have begun once again. The question now is... how much of are already hard-earned freedom will be taken away by these barbaric and ruthless "freedom fighters"...

well, I'm still here if you ever want to talk... I'm not hard to find... I'm serious, you can google search me and find me just about anywhere... go ahead if you really want to... doesn't bother me one bit...
I'll try to check dA at least once a week... and maybe post some more things... hopefully something more... bright than the more recent stuff... 
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I'm Still Here

3 min read
Hi everyone, Isabelle is back...
I wish I could stay longer here than I am able to...
so... more news... mostly because of it's been so long since the last... and I fail to even make a MONTHLY check up...
Well, first and foremost Today marks my 6 months on HRT, and... a little over 8 months since I transitioned. Remind me to post some photos here... Or maybe make like, a collage show-casing the difference...
on top of that, I lost my job at GeekSquad in April... was unemployed for over 2 months... and then FINALLY landed another job... At... Walmart -.-
The work there suck... as do the higher ups of Management, but everyone else is pretty chill, and the customers are... mostly... better than the one's on the phone at GS.
I'm in my own apartment now, no roomies, just...myself and my lovers... oh? Did I forgot to mention that my Fiancee and I managed to snag a boyfriend too... yeah, that happened...

As for... everything else... I'm... I'm not doing well... I keep having these massive mood swings... like... you could hug me, and I'll act like you saved my life... is you said something even REMOTELY offensive... or just said something a bad funny kind of way... and I'll bite your head off...
Not sure what's up with that... and then... a post told me... That... that is me on my "monthly"... yes, trans people get them too... and apparently so do men... or everyone and everything really...
So, that's making life very difficult...
on top of everything else... I just... I just feel... uncherished, lonely, and abandoned. Which was what the deviation I posted recently before this was about... things have gotten better, but... I still feel stung, and that pain just won't go away...

something you may want to know is... I'm a very vengeful and watchful person... and I never forgive anything, even when I say I do... I don't let things go, and I hols grudges that could last lifetimes... even against friends and family... both chosen and born into...
I've gotten a lot better with the whole... anger thing... but I haven't improved even a little with anything else... So I guess, I need to learn to move on... in order to progress...?
eh... Here's to hoping...
if you have any questions, or just want to talk, leave a comment... or a note, I'll answer it... eventually...
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In a galaxy far, far away....

Jokes aside, no, I haven't seen the new stars wars that was been out for... At least a month now.

Now then... I know it has been forever and a half ago... Think the last time I was hear, was about a year ago now... So much time has past, too much to catch up to.
So... Many... Journal Entries... to make...
FOR THE GLORY OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!!

Any who... As many people may have noticed now, I have released what is now my new name, that I go by to the general public and friends, if they ever meet me face to face, or I trust them enough... Which is now basically common knowledge.
I used to be known by the name Ian. Yes, that's an i, but it is pronounced EE-en or EE-an. Now then, if my name is now Isabelle, but used to be Ian... Why is Mintamin have such a feminine name now?
Well... The most blunt answer of all is... I'm now a transwoman, with all its perks and counters... Such a double-edged sword... But I'm proud to be one now, and it explains a lot of what I had to deal with, and the way I am now...
I feel... More at home in my own skin, then I ever had before... It was like finally taken off this mask I wore all my life, and seeing the sun, the stars, and the moon for the first time.
Before anyone asks... No I'm not just a cross-dresser... If you really have to know, I'll be having my HRT appointment next week... What's HRT? Hormone Replacement Therapy... Basically I'm going to eat, ingest, consume... Etc... T-blockers which stop my testosterone levels from increasing... And eventually drop down to where an average, woman who is not on their period (because most women who are, have the same levels as a man... Another reason men shouldn't grouch and complain about something beyond our control). Once that happens... I'll be taking some estrogen hormones for about 6 months to at least a year... And eventually... I will look more and more like the gender I associate with... Or at least how I want to look.
Why am I doing this?
Well... For a long time... I never really like the idea of "becoming a man", or being "manly"... I like the fact I was wimpy... Or as many people who picked on me, "girly". I never liked having facial hair at all... And it got so bad, I was tearing it off my face using my hands... You'll be shocked how far I would go... Even managed to pluck every single eye brow follicle... Didn't grow back for two months...
I always wanted to wear skirts and dresses and heels... Now I always wear them... And from the start, I can strut around in 5 inch pumps... Which I'm sooo proud about ^^
Still wearing very modest clothing... The most revealing I would go is a knee length skirt, and possibly a semi-transparent top...
I even managed to get eye-shadow done in like 2 minutes, blended and everything... Still haven't figured out how to do eye-liner without stabbing my eye ^^;
Mascara is easy, once you figure out how the brushes work... Took a while to get the inner eyelashes... And lipstick is always fun to try on~
Found a cool way to mix them thanks to a coworker, so now I can wear that nice purple lipstick without having it look so dark compared to my complexion(?)

For those of you already know about my girlfriend/fiance... Hmmm... How do I put this... My Fiance does not uses any pronouns at all, as far as we are both aware. We still use they/them of course... When it has to be done, but we both go out of our way to prevent it from happening.
Anyways, they just had a biopsy today to find out about this lump that just kinda sits just under my Fiance's skin and boob... Yay for breasts lumps... What everyone keeps thinking is either cancer, tumour, or absolutely nothing.... Dont ask me how a solid mass of tissue that shows up dark and black, counts as nothing... When you can DEFINITIVELY SEE IT ON AN ULTRASOUND.
We won't know what it is until 3-5 days from today...

Also... I have now move away from my birth state of Florida, and now living somewhere in Utah... Don't ask what city, not gonna tell... Just somewhere in Utah.
Because I had move, I had to take another job... So now I work for GeekSquad as a call center agent... Work there is difficult... If you dont know how to walk people through something... You're literally a walkthrough guide for computers... And if you make it hard for people to understand... You have to keep going down and down until they get that you want them to do something...
But yeah, news there...

What else has happened?
I'm living in my own house with another couple who know my fiance on a personal level at one point... I got my own desktop... Again... Finally... Tried to get a car... Was too young to get it without a grand down payment -.-* off basically any car... Ugh...

And eventually, I'll have my legal name changed entirely... So the name Ian will no longer haunt me... Even if right now, I have to say it about 20-90 times a day, 3-6 days a week... -.-*

Welp... Hopefully, I'll have some more work done and stuff, and I'll talk to all of you soon~

~Izzy
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NordicTwin pointed out I never wrote out my answers to the thought questions! They were her answers >.>;
(I could have sworn I did those... Or maybe I imagined doing so... like last night, I saw this really huge spider, I'm guessing it was a wolf spider of some sort, based on what it looked [I hate spiders >.<; ]. It was black with grey tiger stripes all down its legs, a triangle abdomen, and instead of a spinneret... it had a curved stinger. Anyways... apparently that was a dream  o,o )

I can probably name a few things to help out why I have "disappeared" for so long. But, I have never truly left. I stopped writing to make room for time with friends, work, my love life, and to help remove any stress that has lingered from day to day events. I still read, and attempt to comment on people's work every now and then, but only a bare few that brought me inspiration.
Anyways... I think really, the most important event coming up, is the day I start college. Only issue there is my parents don't believe I'm their dependent, even if the law says I am -.-*
My girlfriend, is also in the hospital. Not as bad as it sounds, I assure you, but I rather not indulge further detail on that situation. However, unrelated, she has been stricken ill with something, and her back issues have gotten worse since her stay here in Florida. I have been forced to take care of her, at my own expense, but at least she is feeling a lot happier than she has...since...ever?
The rest of what has happened have been drowned in stress, restless nights, and tensed workdays(nights).
I believe that is the update on what has happened during my "absence".
To lighten things, I saw a friend's journal, and have decided to do most of the questions. I have borrowed NordicTwin's journal, in case you're wondering.

1.)  Grab the nearest book to you, turn to page 18 and read line 4.

first booklet: Heroes V manual; In most missions, you will start with towns corresponding to your hero's race.
first book: The Champion, by Scott Sigler (limited edition book, it's even signed by the author ^^); Manny Sayed. Of course. As the co-owner of the Buddha City Elite, a Tier One team, Manny had come to Hittoni for the GFL season's grand finale.

2.) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you reach?

A weird table bed thing that I have no idea what's it called. I think it was made for "breakfast in bed" situations. Dark red curtains, brick, an assorted color of pillows, my computer, a few empty cans of Mountain Dew, my phone, Annie's phone, my wallet, crackers, and a badly made blanket. I think it was made for winter. Heh... Winter in Florida.

3.) What was the last thing you watched on TV?

I was in the waiting room, watching Drake and Josh with a 7 year old. He enjoyed watching AFHV "America's funniest Home Videos"

4.) Without looking, guess what time it is.

I completely forgot this question was in there. -.-* I'm never good at guessing time.
...Wait... when did the sun came up? shit... is it 5:30am?

5.) Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

7:28am... Yeah... figures. I need to get to bed soon...

6.) With the exception of your computer, what can you hear?

The first thing to notice... there's an eerie silence that has been filled with Annie away. Grandma just turned on the TV and it's playing the news, talking about ISIS and Ebola... and now Beiber.

7.) When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Um... two minutes ago... Our fences are as tall as the roof of the house, okay... not that tall... anyways... I needed to use the restroom, but the damn dog wouldn't let me go to the other side of the house without drawing blood.

8.) Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

Some Sta.sh things I have, and will probably never submit.

9.) What are you wearing?

um... black... black t-shirt with this weird Grim Reaper/Horseman/Undead horse/Pegasus/Ghost Rider in a purple-ish haze, and my black boxer briefs. I do not need to illustrate that men have different kinds of underwear, just like women. Panties are just one type of garment -.- who calls thongs, panties... anyways? that's like saying briefs are boxers... *etc etc, rage, pet peeve, etc etc*

10.) Did you dream last night?

I wasn't asleep last night... however, the night before... I don't remember much... just more agony and screams. I probably died again *shrugs*

11.) When did you last laugh?

A few hours ago, when I was reading some Homestuck Fanfiction called "Herding Cats"

12.) What are on the walls in the room you are in?

Lots of pictures of my mother and my uncle. an old grand..mother clock? strange knickknacks... no... um... Souvenirs! all over the walls. There's a grandfather clock behind me (is it eerie that all of the clocks stopped ticking after grandpa died? Like... all of them... even the digital clocks) Brick covers one side of the room, this used to be a patio when I was little.

13.) Seen anything weird lately?

A 2 year old girl that whose growl sounds like a 4 year old rottweiler. Ohhhh... seen...
hmmm... Underwire in bras. They look bizarre to me.

14.) What do you think of this quiz?

I... don't really have any emotions to this quiz... I guess bored?

15.) What was the last film you saw?

I think Maleficent was the last film I saw at the Movie Theatre (notice how I spell that word, it's incorrect in America)
But... I think the last full movie we watched was............

16.) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

...Go to college... and get my Doctorate degree. I would like to be an accountant, honestly. numbers just... click, you know? I guess if I still had enough *yay fucking America for pretty much making me in debt after a few semesters* I would get a really big house, and try to get my friends under my roof, and we can all have fun playing games... after work, of course.

17.) Tell me something about you that I don't know.

Considering I'm using this off of NordicTwin, I will presume you are the one asking...
I have kept a gift that was given to me by my 4th grade teacher under my pillow to help me sleep at night. It's this cute, little, white (was white) beanie baby cat. I would even dress her up as the Grim Reaper. I still have the scythe I made for her, too.

18.) If you could change one thing about the world?

Immediately, Hunger, Cancer, Disease, and War pop in my head, all fighting for dominance of which one stands out.
Though... I'm more inclined towards something a bit different... not that uncommon, but not enough people are worried about it.
Stable Ecosystems... Important species in our biosphere, revived from extinction. Bees are dying out, several predators are no more, and quite a few herbivores. As much as I like to admit I'm a carnivore (or... well... a person who loves to eat meat) I still need fruits and veggies, flowers and birds. I can't survive with my diet if things persists... hell, I can't survive now with my diet.

19.) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

I always wanted my first born child to be a girl. I wanted her name to be Isabelle. Annie (not her real name) wants Annie. We negotiated with Annabelle. Purely... on accident.

20.) Would you ever consider living abroad?

I have... I would love to go back to Ireland, specifically Galeway. I feel more at home there, than anywhere else I have been to.

21.) What do you want God to say when you reach the Heavens gates?

...I don't think he wouldn't care if I showed up. He'll probably look at me funny, wondering what I'm doing at the gates. Or he wouldn't even notice me, and some lackey of his gives me a tour of the place... I don't know... Pandemonium was a HELL lot cooler B)

22.) *deletes the tagging demand* no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

General

First name: I would rather not disclose this... but it starts with an I.

Middle name: Which one? There's Christopher, and Fletcher. My mother, and blood donor couldn't agree on a name. We usually only use Christopher though, as the other is His middle name.

Nickname: There are only three that people call me in real life. Peanut, which was how my head was shaped when I was little (Uncle wanted to call me Elliot Terrance, E.T.); Minty, don't ask me why people call me this in person... I don't really have a clue, unless they have somehow forgotten my name; and H2O, a nickname someone invented. Someone thought that when I rap, that H2O should be my rapper name. *shrugs*

Location: Florida... I thought I mentioned this?

Age: Recently turned 20... I'm no longer a teenager ^^

Height: 5' 9"; 69 inches; 175cm.

Zodiac sign: Hmmm... Libra, Dog.
However... with the 13th zodiac, Ophiuchus, it would be Virgo. My zodiac moon sign (yes... the moon also gives you a zodiac sign, based on where it is, where you were born, and when you're born) is Scorpio.
If you think of all of those... personalities start to look complex and 3D, yeah?

Any pets: Currently, none... There is a dog here, but he's not mine, he's my uncle's... and I don't like the little shit. Back at my parents' home, there's a rottweiler, and two brothers, one a golden retriever, and the other an alaskan sled dog of some breed. Well, that's what the brothers look like... 

Favorite thing about yourself: How quickly I can warm up to people. I really do like being in a conversation. There's so much to tell, so much to learn.

Worst habit: I think the worse one... which bleeds into other habits... is the fact I hold grudges. Nearly everyone I know, I hold a grudge on, for one thing or another. Try as I might, it can't go away, even if I take action against it... the anger doesn't go. I guess it helps out, when I repeatedly forgive someone for unspeakably things... that eventually... I can't stand being around them anymore.

Fun fact: We've been trying (my entire family and I) to take care of my hair, but it kept getting more tangled, more knotted, and my scalp was more sensitive. Then along came my girlfriend, and she magically got my hair straight, and they're no more tangles or knots since I've met up with her. She knew that we were taken care of it wrong... My hair is long, curly, spiral ringlets... and my family thought  using products for straight, short hair would make it better... when in fact, it contributed.
Hell... I'm not allowed to wash the damn thing anymore, except once a week! Conditioning it everyday, comb while in the shower to evenly distribute, sing in a merrily sing-song (wait, she was joking?) and only cut it from where the hair scrunches up to. Trying to cut it at even length makes it look wonky. WHY DO I HAVE SUCH CURLY HAIR!!!!!!
 

Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Sexual preference: Mostly Straight... Though... I could definitely love to have the feelings of the curves on a well-endowed man. Hehehe... playing with chests is always a fun thing.

Relationship status: Um... I'm happy in a committed relationship with Annie. Um... Well... why not, it's not like my brother reads these anymore *shrugs* I'm currently engaged to Annie. We're hoping to be married by 2016.
Though... our relationship is a strange one... We are both okay with the idea of going after other... sexual partners... as long as everyone accounted for knows what's going on. I mean... doesn't that sound wrong if you tried to steal another's heart, when your's belong to someone else?

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Both... Sometimes, I can do both, but very rarely. Mostly though, I'm a night owl.

Bath or shower: Shower... Though I wouldn't mind using my grandmother's one man Jacuzzi. Those jets feel *GREAT*

First thought in the morning: Is Annie okay? *turns to look at her* Awwww, she's sleeping.

Last thought before falling asleep at night: Usually something about me not getting enough sleep for the next day, something stressful that happened or could happen, or some other paranoid thought.
 

School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Currently, I work as a kitchen aide in a nursing home. It's amazing what some of these residents can get away with, that normally you get arrested for. I would love to start college though.

What do you do well: Hmmm... Write, Make and do puzzles and mazes, 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years: I'll be in college, with a quaint little apartment, with a cute little dog (probably a black lab, or a husky) with Annie studying as well.

 

Habits (Do you…?)

Drink:  Occasionally... like... once a month to once a week.

Smoke: only once... never doing it again DX

Do Drugs: . . . I was. . . tricked, with a brownie... I'm sooo glad I noticed what the fuck was wrong with it before I swallowed it. I must ask though... why does most of my classmates want me to do this stuff with them?

Exercise: nope... but I do enjoy sprinting through crowds, and running all around like a courier with an important parcel.

Have a go-to comfort food: Anything sweet. I absolutely enjoy eating sweets... though I can no longer taste it anymore. ;.;
Pretty much anything with a nice, soft, velvety texture... However, eating crab or shrimp is always better ^^

Have a nervous habit: My legs and arms would start shaking, my legs would bounce vibrantly. People think it's some sort of nervous tic, but frankly... it just helps with my stress and anxiety. I would either talk very quickly, to the point you can't understand between one syllable to another, or I would only answer with silence, speaking with maybe a few words.

What is your favorite…?

Physical quality in yourself: Well, besides my humorous height in inches, (yeah I know... grow up. But you have to admit, it's funny) My eyes... I mean... they freakin' change colors! HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Physical quality in others: hmm... besides my fondness of long hair... I would say lips and eyes. I will wonder how their lips feel against my skin, how they would feel against mine. Eyes... well, much can be said for what you can see into someone's eyes. Whether it be the color of the forest, or of the ocean, and I'm talking about brown too. Annie and I both, normally... have pale grey-blue eyes, can't wait to see the blue in my children's u.u

Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): hmm... I think it is my happy pessimistic attitude, that can also flip to a sad optimistic... I try to make everyone happy *shrugs*

Food: Shrimp... I have a fascination for shrimp... I can kill a man, for shrimp OwO

Drink:  Mountain Dew, or White Zin...

Animal: Arctic Wolf

Artist/Band/Group: Evanescence 

Author/Poet: Edgar Allan Poe, of course ^^

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...hey guys...
I'm sorry I haven't been active at all...since...forever ago...
Ever since...I have work...I've lost so much time to that...that I can't even get a decent amount of sleep...actually...there have been five different work days...where I showed up...with absolutely no sleep...

anyways...continuing on...
as to the meaning of Tale of Banishment...
...I was never one to believe in ghosts, spectres, or apparitions... but there was something living in the same room as me... that wanted me dead... for whatever reason... when I told my friends about it... one of them decided to stay over for the next few nights... and... well... she wasn't attacked... per say... but she felt great fear and anxiety... to the point where it looked like she was having a panic attack... and this is what I go through... every morning... since that deviation... it stopped... the rampaging sea calmed... and there was sunlight peaking out of the clouds... sorta thing...

...but now... my anxiety is trying to kill me... my friends and I believe I'm starting to develop a heart condition... or... maybe I had one this entire time... because something like this happened many years ago... but no one knew the cause...
my friends thinks it arrhythmia, or mitral valve prolapse
...always... there's this... pain that doesn't really hurt much... like someone was trying to press a pencil into my chest...
...sometimes... there's the dull whack of a hammer (yes...my baby brother has actually hit me with a hammer... they hurt... don't try it...) and the wind is knocked out of me, and I collapse, trying to breathe... other times, I feel something like daggers, sharp nails, or the crushing feeling of something holding my heart and squeezing it between their fingers... my vision starts blackening, and I can't stand up on my own...
my coworkers and friends are getting really worried about this... but... my bosses... don't seem to care... I know I have a morbid sense of humour... but they joke about me working myself to death...... I don't think bosses should be acting like that at all...
hopefully... I can actually see a doctor soon... before this gets worse...

...anyways... I've been here now and again... just... take care... it's off to work again...
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